Kyndall's Tears, Mommy's Fears

One of my favorite set of moments each day occur around 7:45 PM.  I lay down with Kyndall, every night, talk for a bit, pray for a bit, and listen to our Sleepy Time playlist.  Often, I fall asleep with her {I am consistently exhausted}.

Three nights ago, she was telling me where she would live when she was 'growned up'.  In her ideal grown up life, we all lived together, along with grandparents.  She explained where everyone slept, but left out Kamryn.  I asked where she thought Kam could sleep....

"She will just be in her crib by your bed!"
"Kyndall, she will be grown too if you are grown up!  She won't fit in her little crib anymore."
"What??!  Kamryn will grow up??  Mommy, no!  I love Kamryn just the way she is! I love my baby Kami sissy!"

Ohhh, the tears that followed.  Sobs full of dread and despair at the prospect of her baby Kami turning into a little girl, and unclear sentences muffled by the pillow her face was buried in were about to grow into an all out meltdown.

My first reaction was to tell her all the fun things Kamryn could do as she got older.  I tried a few times, and had no luck.  I was stuck.  Stuck with this precious, 4 year old lady, whose tender heart was shattered.  All the love, joy, and fun she gleans from her sister, she felt would be gone too quickly.

That's when I realized I couldn't comfort her adequately because I have the exact same feelings.  Just the night before I fell into Kyle's bear hug, begging him to find a way to freeze time.  Life is so wonderful right now even with the occasional sleepless night, and constant need for cleaning bodily waste, spilled milk, and toys {can I please, please, please, just give away 95% of these toys??}. We don't have to deal with the drama that will inevitably arrive with two girls.  We don't hear "You're ruining my life", or "I hate you", or "You'll never understand!".  We hear beautiful, angelic voices saying mommy and daddy.  We hear giggles, and squeals.  We hear love.

So.  I wrapped my arms around my beautiful, compassionate Kyndall, and told her the truth.  I told her my heart hurts sometimes when I realize she won't be a baby again.  I told her she would feel this way from time to time.  I told her it was ok, because it came from her love for Kamryn.  I closed with telling her that if she had remained a baby, I wouldn't be able to talk to her every night, and that would be much more upsetting.

I doubt she understood all of what I meant, but enough made sense that she calmed down, snuggled up, and fell asleep.  Of course, I was up questioning whether or not I'm making the right decisions as a mom.  Questioning my career, the way I spend my time, and the way I invest in my family.  I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm doing enough....I love them too much to feel like I've given enough.

But I wake up everyday, and try again :)