Stand for Something

I've droned on about the differences in my two girls before, so I won't elaborate too much on it here.  I will just mention that Kamryn is my strong willed, stand up to anyone, you're-not-messing-with-me girl, while Kyndall is my gentle, compassionate, you-can-have-my-cookie, lady.  I don't worry about Kamryn be taken advantage of, I worry about her taking advantage of others.  I don't worry about Kyndall being hateful to others, I worry about Kyndall being run over by stronger willed people.

My last post was all about saving moola, and if you have a chance you should check it out :)  With some of the money available from cut expenses, we signed Miss Kyn up for ballet and tap lessons.  For all who know me, I know....my daughter is a girly girl who adores dance.  It's crazy, but I honestly am loving it.  I did my best to find a studio that was NOT Dance Mom-esque.  Ugh.  I don't want to mess with all that crap drama. We found an adorable studio in Paragould that opened last fall, is taught by a super sweet lady who has a ton of experience in dance, and has a classic atmosphere with mirrors, pink walls, and a ballet bar.  Simple. Classic. Just right.  

We began a month ago, and Kyndall is really getting the hang of it.  I knew from the first lesson we had likely found *her thing*, from the look on her face when the sweet teacher taught the first move.  Are they called moves?  Positions?  Steps?  I honestly would be a terrible Dance Mom.  I'm ignorant about dance.  But Kyndall....goodness. Her entire countenance just lights up at every practice, and with every step she learns.

Look at that form :)

This week in tap, they learned the first few 8-counts of their recital number.  After practicing basics, and before beginning steps in the dance, the teacher announced, "Alright, we are going to listen to the music for your recital piece!  You girls can just listen to the music this first time."

There are four girls in this tap class.  The girl on the right and left of Kyndall immediately sat down, and Kyndall looked at each of them, slowly beginning to squat, when she realized the fourth girl was still standing.  She straightened her knees, gave her mirror image a grin, and stood tall.  About ten seconds later, the other standing deary sat down, too.

I realize I over analyze evvvvverything, but in this moment I thought about how telling her next action would be.  My fears of her being a follower, being scared to stand up for herself, being concerned more about what others think than what she wants to do or knows is right, all began to bubble in my brain.  She wanted to stand up.  I knew that from the look she gave the mirror when she realized all the girls weren't sitting.  But would she continue standing while the other girls were sitting?

My brain was heavy with thoughts, and my heart full of anxiety, over this tiny little matter.

Sit or stand?

She immediately noticed the last girl's decision to sit.  The mirror allowed me to see her wheels turning as she contemplated what to do, until a resolution crossed her face in an all out smile.  She squared her shoulders to the mirror, pulled the corners of her little skirt up in a semi-curtsy, and gleefully smiled, as she continued standing.  Her teacher let out a little laugh saying, "You can sit down to listen to the music...(and Kyndall stood even more confidently)....or stand!  Standing is great, too!"

My stander-upper

I know this doesn't mean that she will always stand for what she wants, needs, or even believes in.  I realize she may have only stood because she loves to look at herself in that little skirt.  Even with that knowledge, I felt such a hope....such a reassurance that maybe there are things I am trying to instill in her that she is taking in.  Maybe a little bit of my will, and Kyle's do-the-right-thing way are getting in there.  Maybe she will be a leader, and a little lady who is confident in herself, and what she knows to be right.

I will keep praying my prayers over her, full of requests for all of these character traits. I will continue to pray for Kamryn to learn self control and when to sit, haha.  I'll just never forget that image of all the other girls comfortably sitting, and Kyndall standing proud, and all alone.

My girlies.....Little sis doing whatever big sis does

I really love mommyhood :)

Just Do It Already

Fall 2012 was rough for me.

Hormone induced depression, selling-moving-building-moving, $1500 health insurance deductible met for Kamryn in 45 days, extremely tragic family situations, curled up in bed crying at least twice a week, ROUGH.  Digress with me...

I've decided this will be our last baby. Not because of the two shots a day during pregnancy, or the fact another would make four (I'd love to adopt later, if the hubbs would ever allow it), and not even because we don't have the funds for a fourth child at this point.  I am going to put the skids to child bearing because of what the first trimester does to me.  I'm moody, I'm dark, I'm (even more) cynical, I have trouble getting any work done...house or business, and I'm just not a fun person to be around.

Kids need a fun mom to be around.  Hubbs needs a fun wife to come home to.

They all need clean clothes in their closets, and home cooked meals (at least for the most part).

Of course my girls and man had clean clothes and food, but our life was so chaotic, and I simply could not cope with the stresses of sell/move/build/move on top of the family heartaches.  Couldn't do it.  I had to drop something, or it was all going to crush me.

So I dropped the business for one month.

I didn't post to the Facebook business page for over four weeks.  I didn't market a single promotion.  I got all my deliveries done in time for Christmas, and I turned all my focus to healing and family.

We moved in the newly built house the second week in December.  I was so anxious to get our tree up since this is the first Christmas Kamryn really participates in, and I couldn't wait to see everything up in our Home. Next, I organized the kitchen.  I LOVE cooking in this kitchen.  I designed the layout myself, and everything is just a couple steps away, there is plenty of counter space, my range is a beast, and it's entirely open to the kitchen/dining area, so I can keep an eye on Kamryn Faith (Kyndall is usually helping me).

I spent 3 straight weeks cooking, cleaning, and crying.  God began speaking to me in every little thing, and through every person I came in contact with.  I built some serious walls a couple years ago that I have been only slightly peeking over ever since.  God was sick of it.  Honestly, my soul was, too, but my hard heart was putting up support posts.

I'm sure I'll get into details about this trying season slowly.  It's too much for one post, and it's too hard to get out all at once.  I'm a pretty private person with issues of my life, and relay them to maybe 5 or 6 people at most.  That trait is a large reason why I haven't written on my blog in so long.  I am afraid of sounding whiny, or braggy, or mean, or fake, so I don't say anything.  But through my last life season, God has blown open so many truths, and my walls are down, and I'm me again.

Just me.

Broken, bossy, impatient, impulsive, constantly creative, manic, me.  Sometimes I may come across as whiny, and readers who are going through a more difficult life period will be annoyed.  Sometimes my ideas, or projects may seem like I'm super mom. Believe me, I'm not.  Sometimes people may think I sound rude, callus, or judgmental.  Sometimes that may be true, but I'm praying my words on this blog are guided by what God is doing in my life and my heart.

I'm simply going to do this thing.  This big, exciting, documentation of my home, life, family, and career is going to happen.  I'm looking into a clean, simple blog redesign to reflect my inner redesign and clean heart.  I want to be as genuine as I can be, and I want my little ladies (and upcoming little man) to have something to look back on, and know how much I love them and our lives together.  I want to be a great wife and partner to my husband.  I'm sure he wants me to write more, so that I'll quit gabbing his ear off....constantly...without end.  {Why couldn't the verse read "Talk to your husband without ceasing"?  I am much better at talking to him, than praying.  Another trait that needs adjustment!}

So, that's that.  Here we go :)

Our Transient Weeks

Oh by golly, it's been a while since I've written.  Yes, yes...that is a gateway sentence to an explination, so if you don't care about my excuses, please skip down a paragraph :)  Kyndall was super sick nearly 3 weeks ago, and stayed home the first three days of the week.  Our closing date was moved UP a week [yes, up], from September 28th to September 21st.  We not only moved, but TRADED houses, which turned out to be quite an undertaking. We finished that up Monday, and Monday evening Kyndall's fever shot up.  She was sick Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so of course Kamryn was sick Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

We all have months like the K. Richey bunch had this September, 2012.  I am not at all complaining about a single aspect of the last month, only explaining why I have not written, or posted from shoots much in the last three weeks.

[my bad...you should have skipped to the third paragraph...now fourth ;)]

The move we completed over the weekend is only a temporary move.  Anyone who knows us well, would surely quip, "Haven't all your moves been temporary?"  To many people, yes, but this move is temporary even to us!  About 8 weeks in this house, then our home will be finished.  Kyle has stated he plans to live out the rest of his days in this house....heh, ok :P  Don't get me wrong.  I do plan to live in this house for an unforeseen amount of years--not just months.  It is going to be just right for us.

I just...I just like love change.  I need a certain degree of perceived wiggle room in our future plans.

With this being the temporary home it is, we have vowed to only unpack necessities.  I am loving this vow.  It's like we turned into these efficient minimalists, who can easily locate items, quickly tidy up, and have enough storage space.  It's like I'm organized.  At least, I think this is how organized feels.  My creativity greatly inhibits organization skills :(

Even though I am no organizing pro, we have always had things a certain way.  Not perfect, but nice.  This includes having a bed frame on our bed from the time we were married.  Unfortunately, the bedrooms in this house are a little small, and our ginormous bed frame refused to fit.  Anywhere.  So, the boxes and mattress are on the floor... surrounded by boxes of clothes. Today, I was quickly throwing on something a bit more presentable than Kyle's giant T-shirt and yoga pants for our date night.  The window was half open, blinds angled up rather than straight, bed sloppy, and clothes hanging here and there on box lids, so I stepped onto the mattress for a better view.

Something about that moment grabbed me.  I felt like we were living in some tiny apartment somewhere in Europe.  Goofy, I know, but the scene around me was so....so bad, haha.  Despite it's disheveled appearance, I fell in love with it for this short season in our life.  It's a break in consistency  a pause in our routine, and a vacation from stressing about every little thing being presentable.  The entire focus of this little rent house is our family, and the step we are in the process of taking; moving into a permanent house.  [I am so bringing that focus to the new house] I felt happier and freer soaking all these realizations in than any other time I remember.  Ever.

If anyone...If the Lord Himself told me in 2006 where our lives would be in 2012, I would have snarled in His face.  Kyle teaching?  He barely likes to talk!  Two--TWO children?  Photography?  Annnnd MARMADUKE?  Ohhhh, the ignorance of a 21 year old bride.  Ohhh, the places God took us to beat out our stupid.

And there I was, mindlessly swaying on a mattress in the floor, gazing out a rented window, thanking God for his wisdom, guidance and provision.  Kyle found his passion in teaching, I found  a creative outlet in photography, we were given the two most precious gifts of all time, and we found our home waiting for us in Marmaduke.  I'm sure I'll tell all about our moves, and dumb decisions, and God decisions, and things you don't care about later.  For now, I'm just soaking in each day.  I'm sitting still [for once] to soak in His grace...which is difficult for me to do :)

One of Two Kinds

What a day.

I don't think you understand....

What. UHH.  Day!

Sparing all important details, Kyndall was incredibly ill this morning.  For a couple hours, I was thinking the worst about whatever was going on inside that tiny little body.  Ok...I usually do think the worst...but it was actually justified for a couple hours.  We spent three hours, probably around $300, three outfits (puke. ew.), and three million tears at the doctor's office.  I am so thankful I was able to move my shoots and hold my sick little lady when she needed me.

Other excitement, accidents, trips to Marmaduke (can we puh-leeez move already??), and even some laughs occurred through this hectic day.  I could barely keep my eyes open for a while...but now...I can't sleep due to a giant nagging question I'm trying to sort out.

Will I ever feel like I'm giving love to my kiddos in equal doses?

Kyndall went to daycare about 10 times from birth to 3.  Kamryn has gone 10 times in the last month.

Kamryn is a breast-fed baby, and is super healthy.  Kyndall was not (3.5 week hospitalizations tend to end breastfeeding), and gets every cold and virus that comes her way.

Kyndall is compliant, gentle, and compassionate.  Kamryn is strong willed, rough, and hot tempered.

I could continue the comparisons for days.  They are SO different.  How can the same two reproductive factories create two completely opposing models?  Especially when they look nearly identical??

Honestly, these images don't do the similarities justice.

Then I hear the Voice.  "Kathryn, you cannot...CANNOT compare them!"  It's not fair to either of them, it's not conducive to their love for one another, and it surely isn't helpful to your ridiculously manic mind.

Kamryn adores and idolizes her big sister.  Kyndall didn't have any kids to play with until she was 3.

Kyndall stayed the night away easily because of my health problems.  Kamryn has no idea how to function through the night without me or Kyle.

Kyndall may have struggles with leading and standing up for herself.  Kamryn will unlikely let anyone--she's not worried about size OR species (ask our friend's dog)--push her around.

They are their own people. It feels to me like they should be the same.  I understand that doesn't really make sense when I write it out, but I have to stop myself from falling into the assumption they should be alike since I gave both of them life.  But they're not.  They have positive and negative attributes that will cause them trouble, and lead them to successes throughout their lives.

I have to teach Kyndall it is ok to tell on Kamryn when Kam pulls out a chunk of Kyn's hair.  Yes, Kamryn may be in trouble, but sister, it's your hair!!  I have to help Kamryn mold that little temper (one guess where that came from ;)) into patience and self control.  I have to love them where they are, for who they are, and quit complicating the process.  Sooo, I feel if I love them in this manner...if I cater my love to them, and quit trying to make every action and comment even or fair, if my love is coming from the depths of my heart out of genuine desire for them to grow into God's will, my love will be equal.  

Who knows...I could be 100% wrong, but parenting is a journey.  I learn a little bit more each day, and I have so many days ahead :)

Kyndall's Tears, Mommy's Fears

One of my favorite set of moments each day occur around 7:45 PM.  I lay down with Kyndall, every night, talk for a bit, pray for a bit, and listen to our Sleepy Time playlist.  Often, I fall asleep with her {I am consistently exhausted}.

Three nights ago, she was telling me where she would live when she was 'growned up'.  In her ideal grown up life, we all lived together, along with grandparents.  She explained where everyone slept, but left out Kamryn.  I asked where she thought Kam could sleep....

"She will just be in her crib by your bed!"
"Kyndall, she will be grown too if you are grown up!  She won't fit in her little crib anymore."
"What??!  Kamryn will grow up??  Mommy, no!  I love Kamryn just the way she is! I love my baby Kami sissy!"

Ohhh, the tears that followed.  Sobs full of dread and despair at the prospect of her baby Kami turning into a little girl, and unclear sentences muffled by the pillow her face was buried in were about to grow into an all out meltdown.

My first reaction was to tell her all the fun things Kamryn could do as she got older.  I tried a few times, and had no luck.  I was stuck.  Stuck with this precious, 4 year old lady, whose tender heart was shattered.  All the love, joy, and fun she gleans from her sister, she felt would be gone too quickly.

That's when I realized I couldn't comfort her adequately because I have the exact same feelings.  Just the night before I fell into Kyle's bear hug, begging him to find a way to freeze time.  Life is so wonderful right now even with the occasional sleepless night, and constant need for cleaning bodily waste, spilled milk, and toys {can I please, please, please, just give away 95% of these toys??}. We don't have to deal with the drama that will inevitably arrive with two girls.  We don't hear "You're ruining my life", or "I hate you", or "You'll never understand!".  We hear beautiful, angelic voices saying mommy and daddy.  We hear giggles, and squeals.  We hear love.

So.  I wrapped my arms around my beautiful, compassionate Kyndall, and told her the truth.  I told her my heart hurts sometimes when I realize she won't be a baby again.  I told her she would feel this way from time to time.  I told her it was ok, because it came from her love for Kamryn.  I closed with telling her that if she had remained a baby, I wouldn't be able to talk to her every night, and that would be much more upsetting.

I doubt she understood all of what I meant, but enough made sense that she calmed down, snuggled up, and fell asleep.  Of course, I was up questioning whether or not I'm making the right decisions as a mom.  Questioning my career, the way I spend my time, and the way I invest in my family.  I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm doing enough....I love them too much to feel like I've given enough.

But I wake up everyday, and try again :)

So Nice of You to Stop By!

Hello, hello!

Welcome to my newest iron in my bondfire!  I have a manic mind, and will unleash it all over this blog whenever necessary.  If you would like to know the direction of my blog, check out the 'About' section.  If you want to see some blog-views of recent sessions, click 'Photography'.

I'm just starting out on this blog, but please go ahead and follow by email to take each little step with me :)  Check out the box to the right...it says 'Follow by Email'...easy enough, eh?

Again, read through the 'About' section to understand what will be on this blog as time progresses.  Thank you for stopping by!